“Even Vegas isn’t sure what’s going to happen, but I think it’s safe to say that Pence won’t be VP for long,” political analyst Lynda Hughes Clark said. “Despite all the talk of Trump being able to shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and get away with it, presidents generally can’t do that unless it’s in combat and trade wars don’t count. So Pence will have start a war if he wants to kill someone.”
“Things are so precarious right now, I wouldn’t even go to a long movie if I were him,” presidential historian J. Everhart Cooper-Nobles told The Askewer. “He could get called up to the big leagues, or the big house, any minute. I don’t know how he decides what to wear every day.”
Washington, DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA — In this election year, many organizations such as the ACLU and RAICES are fighting to protect the disadvantaged against the rich and powerful. One other group feels like it is being overlooked and deserves consideration.
“We run the banks and we run this country,” said Jaime Haskins, spokesman for Concerned Narcissists of America. “In Trump, we finally found someone who represented us, the people who only care about ourselves. But he’s not running this year, so who will look out for us?”
Haskins said lobbying for narcissists is harder than for other special interest groups.
“It’s a lot harder to raise money, because you have to fight the misconception that the money will inadvertently be used to help someone else,” Haskins said. “With most groups, exposure is key. You want to put the most sympathetic ones in the public eye. You can’t do that with narcissists. They need to be kept far, far away from the cameras and social media.”
Haskins is proud of the work his organization, and only his organization, with no help from anyone else, has been able to accomplish to make sure that narcissists get what they are owed.
“We had eight years of a consistently improving economy, expansion of health care and equalized marriage rights, and it almost killed us,” Haskins said. “In less than a year and a half, we got mass deportations and concentration camps. It’s a good start. I think we’re getting out the message of ‘Every Man For Himself.’ But there’s so much more we have to do.”
Atlanta, GEORGIA — Now that many airlines are charging their customers for carry-on luggage, some airlines are charging for emotional baggage as well.
“We can just tell when someone is going to be a royal pain in the ass, and we feel that if you’re going to be like that, you need to pay for it,” said Hilla Garmand, spokeswoman for Delta Air Lines. “We’re hoping that extra little fee causes people to sit down and behave themselves a little more.”
Customers don’t like the idea one bit.
“American charged me $50 because they said my attitude sucked, but I didn’t even want to go to this stupid funeral anyway,” said Ginger Ambernathy, of Boston, MA. “This is a completely random, arbitrary fee. How do they determine the size of someone’s emotional baggage? Do they read my aura?”
“If you have emotional baggage that you’re ready to get rid of, we can fly it across country for you, free of charge, just so you’ll never have to see it again,” said Mark Echols, spokesman for Southwest. “If you want to see that it’s abused beyond repair, just mark it ‘Fragile.'”
“It’s never been an issue before, since we are a British brand, but with all the rubbish involved with our dear competitor Harley-Davidson, we just really wanted to distance the entire motorcycle industry from that bloody twit,” said Hailey Smith-Rooken, spokeswoman for Triumph. “It’s just an awful coincidence that his name is spelled in our brand and really, we hoped he would change it again, but damned if he doesn’t like to see his name in big gold letters.”
Smith-Rooken said the company has gotten many inquiries about the pronunciation of the new name.
“It’s pronounced, eh, like you don’t really want to do something, but you just don’t see a good way around it, and you hope the whole thing just blows over,” Smith-Rooken said. “We figured that was the best way of remembering it.”
GEORGETOWN, Texas — The man who has littered thousands of floss picks across the United States has finally been found, according to law enforcement.
Isaac Benson, 34, of Boise, Idaho, has been littering the dental aids in parking lots all across the United States for the last three years, despite intensive efforts to stop him. He was arrested yesterday and is currently at the Williamson County Jail.
“We caught him emptying his pockets outside of a 7-Eleven,” said Jeannette Sweeney, of the Williamson County Sheriff’s office. “We’re sending this pick to the lab, but we’re pretty sure we’ve got the guy. I mean seriously, who else would do this.”
Sweeney said that of over 2,000 samples of discarded floss picks analyzed nationwide, all but about 10 belong to one person. Another police department in California, which Sweeney declined to name, had already linked Sweeney’s DNA through a soda can left at a restaurant.
“But then he was just gone, and we couldn’t find him,” Sweeney said. “I know this isn’t the crime of the century, but damn it, they’re everywhere man, and just why. Who even uses them, and then just throws them on the ground? A man with really shiny teeth and a cold, black heart, that’s who.”
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia — President Donald J. Trump insisted during a press conference today that he could have defeated Thanos if the Avengers had asked for his help.
“I buy the biggest and best rocks,” Trump said. “All my wives, the biggest rocks. I don’t know why those guys didn’t ask me. I am the best at getting rocks.”
Thanos is the villain from Avengers: Infinity War, the latest Marvel Cinematic Universe movie, which was released April 27.
Multiple responses from the President to reporters’ questions failed to establish whether Trump knows that Thanos is, in fact, a fictional character in a fictional universe.
“I would have gotten all of the rocks, and then I would have gotten the power,” Trump said, after a question about the latest unemployment figures. “And I wouldn’t have let it go to my head the way Thanos did. I never let power go to my head.”
Actor Benedict Cumberbatch, who plays Doctor Strange, said through a publicist, “President Trump is the last person on earth who should get the Reality Stone.”
STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Fast-fashion label H & M knows American women have plenty to be angry about. They just don’t know what it’s going to be when they get dressed.
“It’s a nightmare, both politically and fashion-wise,” said North American fashion assistant, Stella Rud, safely from her office in Stockholm. “You wake up in the morning, and you think it’s all going to be fine. Once you get to work, you take a look at the headlines, and want to march down the street with a pitchfork and a blowtorch, and you only have the stuff at your desk to work with. How do you dress when you don’t know when the revolution will be?”
H & M’s new armband shirts feature a black armband on the left sleeve, wide enough to write a message, or leave black to register general discontent.
“Since it’s so day-to-day over there, we couldn’t risk printing a reason on the armband that might not be relevant next week,” Rud said. “Fashion is fast, but politics is even faster.”
The armband shirts, which are long-sleeved, collared and button-down, in a variety of patterns, are only available for women.
“We thought about selling them for men, but they aren’t pissed off enough yet,” Rud said. “When we do, we will do what we always do, which is make them cheaper and out of better-quality, thicker material than the women’s shirts. That’s just going to make women even madder.”
BELTON, Texas — Cult leader Joshua Jericho said that starting this Sunday, the world is going to start sucking just a little bit more.
“I’m not exaggerating when I say, it’s really going to be a mess,” Jericho, head of the Third Church of Everlasting Life, based on a compound outside of Belton, said at a press conference today. “Traffic is just going to get worse, housing prices are going up, and those little mandarin oranges, they’re going to get hard to find, and no one is going to give you a straight answer why. So you better stock up on the cans.”
Jericho stated that he received his message directly from on high, and has no explanation for the date or revelations themselves.
“Anything you’ve been putting off, you better do it now,” Jericho warned. “Restaurants are hair salons are going to close early on Saturdays. Take your dogs and cats to the vet, now, before it’s too late, or you could be waiting weeks for an appointment.
“I cannot overemphasize the massive clusterfuck this is going to cause in everybody’s schedules.”
BEAUMONT, Texas — Members of Jared Miller’s Church of the Everloving God aren’t as enthusiastic as they have let on.
“It’s Jared’s first cult and we’re trying to be supportive, since it’s the only thing he’s ever been really excited about,” his aunt, Jenny Miller, said. “But he keeps saying the world is going to end, and I just go, ‘Of course it will, sweetie,’ and go about my business.”
Other cult members admit to openly mocking Jared, 24, who is otherwise unemployed and lives with three friends from high school in a two-bedroom apartment. Church services are held in his parents’ basement.
“We had this big ceremony, he called it the Blaze of Glory Celebration, and we were all supposed to drink this poisoned fruit punch and die,” his cousin, Matt Alder, said. “Only Aunt Margo [Miller] didn’t poison it. She put Benadryl in Jared’s cup, and in ten minutes he was out. Then we added Everclear to the fruit punch and played poker all night. That’s a religion I could get behind.”
NEW YORK CITY — Pop singer Cyndi Lauper can tell from the phone calls.
"Most of the time it’s pretty quiet, then it just rings solid for about three hours," Lauper said.
Lauper wrote her anthem "True Colors" during the Reagan Administration, but it has been given new life under the Trump Administration. Every time it is played on the radio, her phone is flooded with calls from the area code where the song was played.
"The lyrics really resonate with people," Lauper said, "but I don’t know what they expect me to do about it. I also don’t have any idea how they keep getting my number."
The song is about expressing support for a friend in need. The most powerful lyrics go, "If this world makes you crazy and you’ve taken all you can bear, You call me up, because you know I’ll be there."
Lauper appreciates that her fans trust her to understand their concerns.
"I’m just as pissed about things as they are, but I try to listen," she said. "Otherwise, I would just be a fraud."